Seriously, if one more person asks me about my breakfast coupon I’m going to break my ham and eggs off on their head.
Wait, that sounded sort of gross.
But I’m not kidding; I’m just a simple (and slightly hungover) wayward traveler who came down to my hotel’s restaurant and would like to be served the free breakfast he’s entitled to.
That’s the situation I find myself in here at the Prime City Hotel in Pampanga, the Philippines, and so far, three people have asked me for this mythical and magical Golden Ticket of a breakfast coupon this morning (after two asked me yesterday), but still nothing that even resembles oatmeal and watered down coffee has entered my gullet.
It’s too bad, because it’s starting to taint what should be an otherwise decent – no, good – hotel stay. But when you aren’t served your breakfast AND continually harassed about a coupon like it’s your driver’s license and you just got pulled over going 110 mph in a Florida seniors retirement coupon, everything takes on a negative air.
For instance, now the flies are starting to hover around me (yes, I did shower this morning), but still no breakfast. Is it possible that these flies act like vultures and can sense that my blood sugar is low and I’m not long for this world if I don’t get my breakfast?
The fact that this hotel is expertly designed with a small but clean and modern swimming pool in its interior courtyard is drowned out by the fact that a kid has been screaming in the pool since way too early this morning. His shrieks echo in volume as they rise, while his whole family sits around and dotes over him and takes photos. (Hint: your child is NOT special. Be considerate and shut ‘em up.)
The internet is choppy enough that it’s slowing down – and now, stopping – my fast moving work train, and there’s no hot water in the shower, just cold on one end of the tap and colder on the other. Did I mention that the internet isn’t working?
By the way, it took me approximately 14 minutes to type that last part, and I still don’t have a hot plate of FEED NORM SOME-DAMN-THING in front of me. I seriously think this is how serial killers get started: they’re denied cereal.
Of course, I’m getting curious and even frightened glances from the staff, who are afraid to make eye contact at this point, and I desperately need another cappuchino because I think the flies drank half of my last one.
Ok, let me try to relax and think of something positive. The hotel is very clean, well-designed, and the rooms are comfortable but modern. It’s been raining here for three days straight, but I don’t mind because I have a big floor to ceiling window in my room where I can sit and work while looking out on the street. The price is also reasonable for a newer, three-star-type hotel, and I like that the location is off the main road a bit, but they still are happy to shuttle you for free anywhere in the hotel van.
But can a brother get his breakfast? Oh, what’s that? I just heard a bell far back in the recesses of the kitchen. My breakfast must be ready! Gotta go!
Waiting…
Waiting…
Wait…
About Norm Schriever
Norm Schriever is a blogger, Amazon best-sellling author, cultural mad scientist, and enemy of the comfort zone. His work appears in the Huffington Post, Business.com, Good Morning America, The Anderson Cooper Show on CNN, NBC, MSN, Yahoo, Hotels.com, and media all around the world.
Norm grew up in Connecticut and graduated from the University of Connecticut, where he was never accused of overstudying. After expatriating to Costa Rica in 2011, he started traveling the world and documenting what he saw. He now lives in Southeast Asia, writing his heart out and working with local charities.
